Empath Exhaustion

I am definitely an empath. I also dress like a drunk kindergartner, which makes me attractive to depressed people, children, and the mentally delayed. I look like a one woman circus most days and live in a technicolor cottage.

I am also a good friend. I try to be present and honest and helpful to those in my circle. I truly enjoy giving. But holy fuck, sometimes I’m over being kind and loving. I want to scream, “The fuck is wrong with you?! Get it together. If I can survive, so can you!” But I don’t say that, because that wouldn’t be received well by those teetering on the edge.

Now, I totally understand depression and what happens if you do not take care of your mental and physical health. Having a father that was brilliant, mentally ill, had addiction issues, and never completed therapy or dealt with his own trauma, ended up bringing him to death by suicide at age 70.

It is just hard, but somehow refreshing, to not be available all the time to everyone. Even when a couple of folks have no understanding of you needing an empath recess. Did Jesus ever go, “Fuck, man, just leave me alone so I can sort my own shit out.”? Jesus didn’t have a cell phone. So I guess he could hide from the lepers if he wanted to.

Free association break: I was at a funeral once and in all the flowers surrounding the casket, there was a styrofoam rectangle with plastic flowers hot glued around the edges and in the middle was a big red plastic rotary dial phone-off the hook- and letters that spelled out, Jesus Called… Sometimes I’m not the best person to bring to a funeral.

I’ve had the benefits of 35+ years of therapy and the right meds when I needed them.

The year 2020, when everyone’s life has sucked rotten eggs and you are some people’s life line and joy and who they call when they are down, your phone WON’T STOP MAKING NOISES. I imagine Octomom felt similar when she had 8 tiny infants and no husband to pick up the slack. I’m pretty sure I would have just gone all guppy on those babies and just ate them if they got in my way on a bad day.

I do surround myself with color and glitter and silliness to keep my own self happy. But it does seem to be a beacon to those who also need some joy in their life. Most days I am so happy to share myself with others. But what I need is a signal to allow those who need me all the time and have no concept of my own emotional life, and perhaps boundaries in general, that I am not currently available. Like the red light outside of the recording booth so you know to be quiet.

My first thought is a beige flag. That is too awful to even bring to reality. Too sad. Maybe black? But that is for funerals and eyeliner. Grey is an option. Eww. Anyhow, I will soldier on. Being a loving person who just puts her phone on silent for awhile.

Now, to plan my outfit for the day. What in my closet says rainy New Year’s Day? For now, I’m content still being in my big red robe, dog in lap, tea in mug.